Zoloft has been a lifesaver. Before I started this medication I was having “passive suicidal ideational” thoughts and anxiety attacks. What this basically means is that I was having thoughts of suicide with no desire to carry the act out. When my shrink first mentioned this term, I was offended by the word “passive” in the title. I wanted it to sound better, “active” had more umph, but was a lie. I am a lazy baby who wouldn’t do it, let’s be honest. The thoughts were simple. What if I just swerve into that car and it kills me? What if I just don’t exist? What if I take a bunch of pills, pass out, and then die in my sleep? These thoughts are what my psychiatrist called passive suicidal ideation.
Have you ever had a anxiety attack? I am asking because I am about to describe what it feels like to me and I want to know if you are prepared. My first one happened when I was around 18 years old. I was driving to work, running late, and stuck in traffic on the highway. I remember my chest getting tight and my shoulders felt like someone was pressing them down away from my neck. Soon, I was not able to inhale passed a certain point in my lungs, which caused me to start to hyperventilate, lifting my shoulders up to try to expand my lungs to allow more air to get through. I pulled over on the highway and called my dad. My heart was racing, pounding, and my breathing still shallow. At this point I was sweating. He told me it was a panic attack and that he gets them too. Thanks dad (insert sarcastic thumbs up here).
Going 27 years feeling and thinking a certain way, believing that the feelings, sometimes lack there of, were normal but then being given the opportunity to be happier is a gift. I had no idea that I could be one of those people who were, well, happy. The ones who went to parties with new people and were excited to meet them. Or the ones who don’t have random days of crippling sadness and emptiness forcing them to stay in their head and stuck in their house, but instead went out into the world to feel the sun on their skin and engage in society. The first day i ingested this miracle drug, the dose was far too high. See, I am a petite 5’5″, 107lb woman, and the dose my shrink started me on was 50mg. I was flying high. I was talkative, funny, had no filter, the world was bright and fuzzy, and nothing could bring me down. It was like taking adderall and being stoned. It was incredible. The more I used it, the less fun it was, but it was helping. Sure the high side effects wore off, but overall, I felt like I had more control over my emotions. This is something that I never knew how to do.
The reason I am writing about this is because I have no sex drive. None. I have traded my libido for sanity and self control. But am I selfish for doing this? My partner and I have been arguing over the fact that we only have sex once a month. She is afraid that I am not attracted to her or that there is something wrong with her. I have told her this is untrue. That there is no one else in this world that I would rather be with, as my life partner or sexual partner, but she is to the point where she seems to not even like me anymore. I kiss her, cuddle her, shower with her, sleep with her, talk to her, vent to her, cry to her. She is the first person I want to call when something happens in my day. Why is the lack sex coming in between 2 and 1/2 years of love? I don’t want to have to choose between my sanity and sex-drive. I don’t think she will make me, but at this point, I don’t know what to do next.